Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
