Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
