its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
