who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
