Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
