i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
