apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
