Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
