we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize