God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
