he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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