ugly people sure do ruin things
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
