there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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