Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize