remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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