sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
