i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
