I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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