I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
