so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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