Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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