His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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