I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
