i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
