My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
