Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
