Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
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