Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My balls are so social today.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
