none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
She's JV to your varsity
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Randomize
