there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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