I can't breathe out the right side of my face
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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