that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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