oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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