I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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