he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Someone came in the potted fern
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
