I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
