I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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