Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
