Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Randomize
