I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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