How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
