Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
