i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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