You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
