dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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