its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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