answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize