you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
