anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
