Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
