Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
