last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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