I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
