really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
