Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You're earring is so big in my mouth
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
