Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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