Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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