just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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