I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
