So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
