my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
