from now on my penis is your penis
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize