Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
